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.: The "F*%#-off if you don't want to hear me whine" Entry :.

i will warn all of you in advance that don't feel like hearing me bellyache to go elsewhere tonight. this is gonna be a long venting session. so if you really don't give a shit, peace.

so its been a long time since i have talked to him and it figures that the one time i decide to step out beyond these walls of hell, he calls. i missed his call. for i can't tell you how many weeks now, i have been waiting to hear his voice. i still was able to. he left a message. i think i played it 500 times. it has been so long i didn't even realize it was him at first. i hate getting his messages. he always sounds so disappointed when he leaves one. so unhappy. it made me cry.

do you know how horrible i feel? everyday for the past 6 months i have patiently waited. i don't go out. i have become a complete homebody and hermit, addicted to reality shows. i have lost the few friends i have because they think i am pathetic for waiting around and frankly, i don't blame them. they don't even bother to ask me out anymore...not like i would go. i sleep with the damn telephone just in case he calls at night. that is how i spend my days and nights, waiting for a call.

i always wondered why i have no patience. it has finally come to me after all these years. basically, my life is a waiting game and i think that i have just been fed up with waiting. i am always waiting. for as long as i can remember it has always been me waiting to be convenient for someone else. don't get me wrong, i would wait an eternity for him, but when is it my turn to come first? when do i get to stop waiting????

i really am trying to be strong and patient, but its really hard. he is the only one i really have. sure i have my family, but i can't talk to them without them complaining to me about their problems. i don't mean to sound selfish, but everybody needs to be able to vent sometimes. why can't i get my chance? thats why i get on hear and blow this little box up.

do you ever feel like no one really gets you and you are all alone in this great big world? i am typically not this depressing. i am a happy go lucky, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. and i really am fine... as long as i have him around, even if its just by means of a phone call. this isn't healthy is it? to be this dependant. funny thing is, i never use to be. but when he has to leave, its like he is leaving me here all by myself and with him he is taking a huge part of my very being. and i wait. wait to be me agian. wait to feel loved. wait to be special. wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

boo, fucking hoo, right? i really do appologize for this entry, no wonder my stats suck. i'm just at my breaking point. its frustrating for me. do you know that i have consistently been in a serious relationship for over 7 years now and in that time i have maybe got a good full 4 years of quality time from that. i'm so not exaggerating. i wish i was. it makes me worry that i may not be able to be a good "we" long term. i have never had the opportunity, even when i was married.

i guess its just one of the negatives of our military. like i said though, for him i would wait 5 lifetimes. its well worth the wait. he treats me like gold and i absolutly adore him. i am just very lonely and am in desperate need of a hug. i have had no human contact, besides with my gynocologist, for over 6 months now. can you imagine. not a handshake, a hug, a kiss. i'm suprised i didn't get off on my last pap...

i am going to admit something here that i haven't even come to grips with myself. lately i have felt this horrible gut feeling that something is just not right. i can't quite pinpoint it, but i think it has to do with my relationship. i feel like there is something wrong and i haven't ever felt that way before, never with him. there is nothing that has happened to make me feel this way directly, it was just a sudden change. the thing that is scaring me is that i think i have an esp for this type of thing. my gut usually doesn't mislead me. and to be quite honest, i don't think i would be able to handle it if it were. tell me i am just being paranoid. tell me this is normal and that anyone that has been away from their significant other this long would feel the same. am i being too needy? i just want this feeling to go away. its not suppose to be here with him, that was in the past.

just fucking call back why dont you... i need some reassurance. i need to hear something to make this stop... please......

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.: 9:10 p.m. :.
.: February 17, 2004 :.

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.: yin :: yang :.