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.: Going Nowhere, Fast... :.

Have you ever had those mornings when you wake up and you feel like your life is just at a stand still? It�s funny where life takes you, ain�t it?

If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed. I would have looked you right in the eye, told you that you were completely insane, and laughed. I had big dreams and I was going to get my name out there.

When I was about 15 it really hit me where I wanted to go with my life. Somehow, I was going to be a famous artist. Not one of those starving artists, but a real artist. One of the ones that make it big and everyone wants their work hanging on their wall.

I was on a hot pursuit of following that dream until the age of 21. Then one morning, it was just gone. No motivation, no will power, nothing. Just a vast memory of a childhood goal. It was like I completely lost touch with the past 6 years and everything I had worked towards. All the work I had done was like a chalk board that had been swiped with a big green eraser. I remembered doing it, but it all seemed fuzzy.

Where is it exactly in your life that you hit that pinnacle. The one that all of your ambitions and dreams just faintly slip away. And why do we just accept that it is gone and move on. Its like a clean breakup. They aren�t suppose to exist.

And how ironic is it that 10 years down the road you wake up one morning and that distant dream is now reality once again. Only this time, you are kicking yourself in the ass for letting so many years go by. Why after so long do you still have that same urge you had back then.

I woke up this morning and it all came back to me. The motivation, the ambition. I feel like a new person. I haven�t felt this type of drive in years. The only problem is where do I go from here??? I feel like I should be creating my next masterpiece, although I haven�t even made my first...

You know the old saying, �If you don�t use it, you lose it?� Well, it is 110% true. How am I able to move forward when I have been out of the loop for so long? Do I still have it? I am a little scared to even try to make that transition because what if now I just suck? Is it worth the humiliation and all of the �I told you so�s?�

God, I am full of one liners today.... What about, �Don�t let the man keep you down.� Whole new meaning for me... For the past 10 years all I have been doing is fighting to stay afloat. It seems the harder I try to fight society, the harder that man pushes his big fat foot on top of my head to drown me. And all this time you waste trying to not conform and where does it get you. I have realized my life and duty as a pawn. When did I let that happen? Not me, I was the rebel. I was going to be different.

�Happiness lies in eyes of the beholder.� You want to be happy? No one is going to be able to do it for you. You have to make your own miracles to achieve your personal nirvana. For so long I have thought that I would wake up one day and trip over fame and wealth. Who the hell am I kidding? People don�t just go around leaving big bags of money and contracts outside your door. Now I feel like I have thrown so many years away just waiting and being lackadaisical. And all the poor people I have depended on for my own happiness. Forgive me....

Better late than never I suppose....

Oh, motivation! Where the hell have you been the past 6 years???? As good as it feels to have ambition once again, it is scary as hell. It�s like reacquainting yourself with a long lost friend? There is that awkward silence and you aren�t too sure what to do next. For starters, I guess I should get the hell off the computer and put my ass in motion. Who knows, maybe today is the day I will create my next masterpiece...

Cross your fingers.

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.: 8:23 a.m. :.
.: August 02, 2004 :.

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.: yin :: yang :.