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.: Certifiably Nutz :.

Sometimes it feels like i have made him up in my mind. People laugh when I say that, but i am so serious. So much time goes by that we are apart it really makes me wonder if i am just a fucking nutbag. Minutes turn to hours that turn to days that consequently turn to weeks and months. So much time seperates us...and water.

I have always suprised myself at how strong i have been able to be on my own. But sometimes this front gets to heavy for me to carry around. Sometimes when i hear on song on the radio or see two people holding hands, all i want to do is cry. I think back to what that use to be like and every ounce of my body yearns to feel that again.

Its only been 5 months, 10 days, and about 5 hours since i saw him last. I know to most people that seems scary that i know that, but for me its hard to forget. Every second of that 5 months i have felt this void. This emptiness.

Its weird that it will only be about 6 more weeks til i see him again and i am upset. It seems like the closer it gets to the time he comes home the harder it is for me to cope. The time seems to be passing just a little slower each new day that dawns.

The worst part of all of this is the feeling of insecurity it has plagued me with. In my heart his love is undeniable, so why does my head tell me otherwise? Why can't i get through the day without wondering, "does he think about me?" If he were to find this and read it, the first thing he would say is, " Angel, after all we have been through, you still have no idea how much I love you." And i suppose he is right. Without the constant reassurance my brain just wont let me see it otherwise.

I have turned into those people whose diary i hate to read. You know the ones. I just need to get it out and since i can't talk to the person i need to tell this to i am telling you.

Here is a question for you and anyone that has a suggestion please feel free to leave your two cents...

How do some people not let things bother them and affect their everyday life? Why is it that he can be so far away and yet it doesn't hurt him the same way it is hurting me? Or is it? If it is, how can I hide it? I try to keep myself busy, I try not to dwell on his absence, but its like a drug that has taken over my freewill.

Why does it have to hurt like this? Can anyone tell me that? Am i just being a big baby? As my ex would say, "suck it up." Should I?

My brain literally hurts. I have had this ongoing headache for 3 days. He is the only one that can fix it unfortunately. Am I being weak? Depending on a man for this much strength...

I need a cigarette and a cup of coffee. black.

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.: 6:53 p.m. :.
.: February 11, 2004 :.

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.: yin :: yang :.