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.: The longest entry ever.... :.

I hate waking up on the wrong side of the bed...especially when it is my day off. I had the most disturbing dream that I just can't shake and it is throwing off my whole morning. I spilled the sugar, spilled the creamer, had no toilet paper in the bathroom I was in, and stepped in puppy pee. Ugh!

OK. In my dream, Bobby and I apparently were not married yet. In fact, I'm not too sure what our status was. We were in this big house and a lot of my family and friends were there. The house wasn't a house that I recognized either. We all had gathered at this house for some event, however, I'm not sure what it was all about.

Anyway, in my dream I remember that Bobby had to choose between me and another female. I recall dancing to the Cha Cha Slide, although that is something that is way out of character for me. Then we were sitting watching some type of show on these folding seats. Now that I think about it, I think we were at a wedding, and ironically, at the exact location that the two of us were married. Hmm, weird.

So, I remember trying to be cuddly and kissing him so he would choose me, but then this other girl would start making out with him. I remember watching them and noticing that they had this passion when they kissed that I wish we had. I tried to get closer to him and get his attention, but she had him captivated. At one point she even had my dog liking her more than me. Bitch.

I tried to make him remember all the plans we were going to fulfill of marriage and children, but he just shrugged me off. His kisses seemed just like an emotionless action to apease my appetite.

I destinctly remember how real it all felt in my dream. I asked him what I did to change his feelings for me and he replied with, "too much." I can still feel the knife through my heart when he said that. It all seemed too real.

Then, low and behold the other woman became my sister. I was so pissed and confused. At that, I ran downstairs and I was in part of a dealership that I supposedly worked at. A tall man in a white suit appeared and told me that he thought my nose ring was weird, "but what do you expect from a Philly dealership." (I don't live or work in Philly) He then asked if there was anyone around who could help him buy a car and arrogantly I said, "Well, I can, but if you want a man, I will be more than happy to get one for you." His whole demenor changed at that point and he said he was looking for a Honda. Typical. Come to a VW for a Honda. Those customers are the best, even in my dreams.

Now,I very frequently have dreams of my teeth falling out, but this one was strange. The whole time I was trying to help this man, one of my canine teeth was about to fall out. I remember it being loose enough to impare my speech, but holding on to one root for dear life so I couldn't yank it. Next thing I know, we are walking down this dirt road of the "dealership" trying to find this distinguished man a Honda when I woke up.

It all was just very strange. It's funny too, because as I sit here writing about it, it kind of all makes sense. In a way.

Bobby and I were having a discussion about intamacy a few nights ago. We talked of how it fades in a relationship the longer you are together, but how we would strive to keep ours as strong as the day we met. Lately, we both haven't really been the typical "us" when we are together. If he is coming, I am going (get your minds out of the gutter, you know how i mean it!). It made us both stop and realize that you have to make time for each other to keep that passion and flame going.

Being the insecure being that I am, I still to this day feel as if I am not deserving of a man like him. This is something that has been instilled deep within me for a long, long time. I wish that I could shake it, but I call it the "beaten dog syndrom." The more you are told that you are not worthy, the more it becomes a reality and you believe it.

My ex husband use to tell me that he was as good as I could ever get. No one would love me for who I was. I really believed that, until I met Bobby. Slowly the walls came down. I learned to trust again. Still, a piece of me feels like I have nothing to offer. So, needless to say, I'm a bit insecure when it comes to relationships.

I know that Bobby loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before. I think I will just roll with that...

As for the rest of my dream... I deal with arrogant men all day long. They all think that because I am a woman, I know nothing about cars. On many occasions I have gotten the guy who is blunt and asks, "YOU sell cars?" or, "Do you really know about these cars?" I just want to run them over. Besides, I practically live at work, so I dream about it quite frequently.

The sister being the other woman, now thats just funny. I can't wait to tell her! All I can think of in regards to that is, at my wedding she was piss drunk. Now keep in mind, my sister is 37, married, and has 3 kids. She was real drunk and out dancing with my other 2 sisters, my niece, my aunt, and some friends. Next thing I know, my husband is sitting in a chair and her and my other sister are giving him a lap dance. Not a lap dance, lap dance, but funny all the same. Ever since then, we like to bust her balls. She still denies it, but the movie will tell all in a few weeks...

I don't think I have written an entry this long in quite some time. Whew!

Well, I am going to take advantage of my day off. It is beautiful outside, so I think I am going to go spend some quality time with my camera. I am trying to prepare for an arts festival that I am trying to get in. It has been my dream since I was a little girl. Everybody who is anybody displays their work there and it is a very esteemed show. So, I have a lot of work ahead of me.

XOXO my dearies. Sorry for rambling so long. I know it isn't my typical style...

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.: 9:37 a.m. :.
.: August 27, 2004 :.

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.: yin :: yang :.