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.: "Cowboy Take Me Away...." :.

As I was lying in bed last night next to Bobby, I couldn�t help but think about all the things that are happening in my friends, family, and my life right now. I thought about how weird things work out and of all the unexpected twists and turns that we all go through. I thought about my life just a few years back and where I thought I would be today.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of a cowboy coming and taking me away from this place on his horse (Cheesy, I know). I dreamed of us living in a log cabin in the country, with 2 horses outside and a dog lying by the fireplace. My cowboy would be the strongest most wonderful man in the whole world. I, I would be an artist just like my mom. Eventually, we would have three children. Three wonderful little blessings that would call me mommy.

When I was 16 years old, I was in the height of my artistic path. I could dream of nothing more than being a well known artist, whether it be for my photography or my pencil sketches. I still, in the quieted hours of my sleep would dream of my cowboy rescuing me.

At 19, my life changed directions and I found myself married to a boy that I was not in love with. At that point, independence was my motivation. Freedom from the rules and regulations of my parents. I loved him, but not the way I loved my cowboy. There was no passion, no intimacy, no longer the dream of ever making anything of myself. My world had taken a new path, one that I didn�t intend on. I found myself trying to find temporary jobs where ever the Marine Corp plopped us. And my new goal was to be a �good wife.�

By the time I was 23, I found myself living in paradise, virtually alone. My premature marriage was struggling to stay alive while I tried to make ends meet alone. I had no friends or family at that point that I could escape to. Just the emptiness of my 2 bedroom apartment and my cat. Eventually, I made a life for myself, still married, but alone. I made friends, landed myself a job with VW, and lived a single girls life. I met a man not too long after. He was from Texas.

Not too long after, I was signing divorce papers and trying to find a one way ticket out of paradise. Although my life was drastically changing from what I had grown accustom to, I was at peace. I found that this man had given me back something that I had lost grip of. I got my soul back, my dreams. Just 3 months ago I married my cowboy. It was a long journey. One that I wouldn�t want to relive, but I finally found him. He is the strongest, most wonderful man in the world. He loves me the way I love him and would give me the world if I asked him for it. I may not be famous, or live in that cabin with the horses, but I am happy. I have learned that life is already planned for you and that we are just here for the ride. Things aren�t always going to work out the way we plan. What fun would it be if it did?

There was a point in my life when I thought of just letting go of my dreams. I thought that they were just the dreams of a little girl. I figured that I needed to grow up and accept the hand I was dealt. Funny how things work out though...

There are a few people that I am close to that are now going through this same journey. We can�t fight it, or try to control the situation. We just have to sit back and let nature take its course. Things happen for a reason. We grow, we mature and change. Babies are born, loved ones die. We struggle with heartache and pain. I was once told that, �God only gives you what you can handle, nothing more.� I am a true believer that what ever happens that doesn�t kill us, only makes us stronger.

Hang in there....

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.: 1:01 p.m. :.
.: October 20, 2004 :.

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.: yin :: yang :.