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.: Disconnected :.

Have you ever just woke up one morning and had a totally new outlook on life?

Lately, it seems that a huge black cloud has been hovering above me. I have felt completely drained and discommunicated from my own self. Unmotivated and lackadaisical. Its like I'm a machine, same routine day after day. And I have just been blah beyond beliefe.

I've kept wondering what it was that was different in my life. It's been driving me crazy. I didn't know if I was to blame, work, money, or my relationship with my husband. Something was just different and I couldn't put my finger on it.

I kept digging at him trying to find what was different, but of course he is the same man I fell in love with 3 years ago. However, this feeling was keeping me from being the woman he fell in love with. He gets so frustrated when I down myself, and it seems like lately thats all I was doing. Constantly searching for reassurance. Needing him to build me back up.

After catching up on some diaries and a strole through the mushy section of hallmark today, I had an awakening. I realized that I have spent so much time lately completely absorbed in my day to day life and work, that I have been missing out on the really important things that matter.

In 25 years, I know I will not be working where I am today. I wont have the same friends. I wont even be living in the same place. Sad, but very true. However, I will still be married to Bobby, and hopefully be a mother to a few children. I will still have the same loving and awesome family that I have always had. The things that consume my time and attention now are so insignificant in comparison to what I want out of my life.

Clarity, thank you so much for your unknowing inspiration today. As I was reading a few of your past entries, trying to catch up, it really helped me to put things into perspective in my life. I'm not sure what exactly it was, all that matters is that it made a connection with me that I have needed for some time now. So thanks. Didn't mean to call you out like that, but SOMEONE turned off their notes..... ;)

Anyway, its a really good feeling. Almost like being reborn. I feel like I have so much time to make up for, that I have missed out on the past few weeks. Good thing tomorrow is our day off. No better time to start than the present.

Sometimes I just get overwhelmed and caught up in things, that I loose sight. I tried explaining it to Bobby. Its as if I am standing in the middle of traffic and everything is passing by so quickly. It passes so quickly that all I can see are the lights, streaking by next to me.

All I have need was this. To breathe. Take 5 minutes, look around and see what I have been missing.

I appologize if none of this make sense to anyone else, but I needed to get all of it out. Thats what a diary is for, right???

Well, I think I am going to take my new found outlook and give my hubby a call. Thank you to all of you faceless names that have helped me when I fell off track. XOXO!

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.: 6:21 p.m. :.
.: April 26, 2005 :.

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.: yin :: yang :.